A Dad Story about watching my family grow up with the support of Leeds Dads. I’ve been a Leeds Dad for about 18 months and these are some reflections on how things have changed for me, especially with the arrival of our second.
Of my many identities (Kiwi, husband, colleague etc.) being a dad is the one that seems to fit
most naturally. That’s not saying I’m great at it, just I enjoy it and it feels right.
London is an amazing city, but after ten years it was time to leave. My wife and I have not
regretted the move to Leeds at all. We migrated North with a dog and an 18-month old son.
Within a month of being (ey) up here, my son and I went to our first Leeds Dads soft play. I was
hooked. Meeting people in London is hard, meeting people in Leeds is so much easier. Since
then we’ve had a lot of free toast, ice creams, breakfasts and Santa visits, all alongside like-minded, but brilliantly diverse dads.
I love that the pendulum of societal expectation is swinging toward Dads being much more
involved in their kids’ upbringing, but it’s equally frustrating when that clashes with a world that
hasn’t caught up yet. I get irrationally annoyed every time I get pointed towards the Women’s
toilets to change a nappy, or the comments on the street when walking my family “Oh you’ve got
your hands full” I find really patronising.
The sorry state of just two weeks guaranteed paternity leave is even worse. I strongly believe if we want to eradicate gender stereotypes (mums raise the kids, dads earn the money etc.) which we should do, then we’ve got to address how our society structures the systems around raising children. Two weeks into having a newborn and you’re not ready to return to work. It’s like landing in New Zealand after a flight that detoured for 14 days before being able to land. You’re tired, jet lagged, not in clean clothes, have probably had questionable food, binge watched and been nap trapped. It’s not pretty. And that is
potentially all the dedicated time you get. The rest is weekends, annual leave and the early mornings or evenings before bedtime.
We wouldn’t settle for that in any other part of our lives.
Imagine going to a restaurant and getting the menu, only to have to leave and come back when
the bill is being delivered. Regardless of what was normal for previous generations, it’s not good
enough for us.
I was incredibly fortunate to have some time off between jobs when our second child was 4
months old. Like nearly all really young children our daughter didn’t sleep well (reflux) and took
a while to establish feeding (tongue tie). Time off with her and my wife has been hard work
mixed with so many lovely moments. The bond I have with my daughter is excellent. The ability
to parent together has been priceless. I appreciate not everyone can do this, but my point is we
shouldn’t have to choose.
I’ve found being a dad the second time around just a little bit easier. I can admit in the first few
weeks of our first child being born, I was a bit Missing In Action. This time around I knew more
of what to expect and what I should worry about. The first time, there was a lot more Googling at
3am if something was normal or not. Another thing I’m not proud of from the first time around
was that I would sleep through my son’s crying at night, yet weirdly would be disturbed if the dog was making noise. So this time, we have our daughter sleeping on my side of the bed in the
side sleeper. It’s enough to fool my subconscious into turning up. I’m not looking for a medal but
it’s an example of how we can keep challenging ourselves around our roles and involvement.
It’s really great that Leeds Dads then provide us with some easy to access activities that help
facilitate Dads being involved and partners getting a bit of respite. It’s nice to have a sense of
belonging to a community (and prolific WhatsApp group). It has definitely played a part in feeling
connected to where I live.
